


The State of My Heart

by bravest



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Asexual Castiel, Asexuality, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-22
Updated: 2013-10-22
Packaged: 2017-12-30 04:30:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1014109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bravest/pseuds/bravest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel learns something about his sexuality, and things get complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The State of My Heart

High school is meant to be confusing, Castiel thinks as he chews through his tasteless salad. It's lunch time, and Dean and Charlie are talking about girls. Charlie has been out for a few weeks now, but everyone loves her so no one made a big deal about it. Cas watches them but doesn't really listen; he's never really been into talking about who's hot and who's not. He doesn't really get it, and they've long stopped trying to involve him.

He doesn't mind. Instead of thinking about girls, he thinks about Dean. His eyes fall to his friend, sitting across him, turned toward Charlie. His eyes are wide and he's grinning, gesturing across the table about some actress or other. He has the prettiest eyes Castiel has ever seen, and he forgets to keep eating as his eyes trail along Dean's freckled nose and then fall on his lips.

He swallows.

Somehow, he thinks his coming out will be a little rougher than Charlie's was.

Not that he knows anything for sure, he just knows that when asked who he likes, the first word that pops into his head is  _Dean_ , and that he would always rather spend time with Dean than doing anything else, and that sometimes he thinks about kissing him and it makes him shiver in delight.

It's never gone further than that, though, so he doesn't know if he has a crush or if it's just their weird, profound bond twisting things. Not that it matters, since Dean is  _really_  into girls. Like, it's almost all he's talked about for three weeks.

High school is confusing, Castiel thinks, as he keeps tuning Charlie and Dean out and wonders if he'd like to have sex with Dean. He's thought about it before, but it made him feel weird and uncomfortable, like he was trespassing, like he was doing something behind Dean's back. He doesn't like to think of himself in those situations, anyways. It's just strange, and he's too awkward to ever really know what he'd do. Sex is a nebulous mystery, and he thinks once he's in love he'll know what wanting it is like.It's one of the tell-tale signs that he's not in love with his best friend: he doesn't really want to have sex with him, or at least, thinking about it is odd, and not all that appealing. Kissing would be nice, and cuddling, and he wouldn't mind curling up with Dean with as much of them touching as possible.

He has no fucking clue what that's even supposed to mean.

At least he's not completely broken, if the boner he got once when Dean showed him some of his porn is any indication. The memory is embarrassing, and he doesn't like to think about it. He also hates thinking about the mornings he wakes up with a hard on and has to take care of them, somehow. He rarely thinks of  _himself_  having sex, though once he did imagine Dean was there and whispering things in his ear.

He felt so ashamed afterwards that he never repeated the fantasy. Dean hadn't even  _touched_  him.

"Hey, Cas," Dean says, waving his hand in front of Castiel's face. He blinks and notices that Sam, Kevin and Charlie are already gone. "Earth to Cas!"

"Sorry," he says, gathering his left overs (ugh, cafeteria food was so awful after a life of the finest cooking from a high rated personal chef) to throw them out.

"You okay?" Dean asks, frowning, and Cas doesn't know how to answer that. Yes, he's fine, but this confusion is starting to really get to him and he wishes it didn't. He can't exactly tell Dean what's on his mind, though, as there is no possible way to  _not_  make that creepy.

"Talk to me," Dean says following Castiel's silence.

"I am alright, mostly," he answers, standing with his tray, and Dean does the same. They walk to the garbage disposals together, close as always, shoulders brushing.

"You wanna talk about it? I'm here for you, you know," Dean says, and Cas knows, because Dean has always been, he's just nervous and confused and, frankly, a little scared. Dean empties his tray and then takes Cas' off his hands, leaving him to drop them to his sides helplessly. 

"Thank you," he says, and Dean smiles softly at him.

"What're best friends for, dude? It's nothing," he says, and Castiel wants to see that smile for the rest of his life, if he can. He decides talking to Dean about this is too risky; if he finds out it's about him he might get freaked, and Castiel can't tolerate the thought of Dean no longer being friends with him.

Besides, this is  _his_  to figure out, and it's not Dean's burden to bear. 

"Aren't you going to be late? Mr. Singer is going to get angry with you. Again," Cas says, and gives Dean a pointed look. Instead of jumping and running to class, Dean gives him a slow lazy grin and then slings an arm over Castiel's shoulders, pulling him against his side.

"Whatever, Mr. Singer can get pissed all he wants. My best friend needs some cheering up, and I'm gonna spend some quality time with him until the last bell rings."

It's things like this that make Dean so different. Dean cares more than Cas has ever seen anyone care, and it fascinates him, awes him that Dean expands some of his ability to love so wholly to include  _him_ , of all people.

Dean's walking them toward the hall, and Cas raises an eyebrow.

"In 2 and a half minutes?" He teases.

"Yep."

"You're an idiot."

"I know! And yet, you are totally smitten with me," Dean says, before letting go and walking ahead. He throws a look over his shoulder at Cas, who stands frozen, and hopes the way his heart stopped beating doesn't show on his face.

"Come on, slowpoke!"

He hurries along.

* * *

 

A few days later Castiel finds the courage to start looking into it. He'd never bothered before, but with Charlie's coming out and their graduation day fast approaching, he should sort out his feelings for Dean, at the very least.

After a round of his house, Castiel is sure that his family is out. Probably at some gala or other, making their influential rich family presence known to the world. They've stopped inviting him to come along, after he told them he wanted to go to public school and had enrolled himself behind his parents' back.

Which he does not regret, because he would never have met Dean otherwise.

He sits at his desk and opens his laptop, having no real hope of finding answers, but maybe hints as to what his feelings might mean. Resorting to the internet feels a little pathetic, but he doesn't even know how to begin talking about this, so the internet it is.

The house is quiet, so Castiel decides to follow Dean's repeated advice: listen to some music, once in a while. In fact, he has about 3 or 4 playlists of songs Dean made for him, so he picks one and lets it play as he begins his search.

The first thing he finds is a post about a man confused for his strong feelings towards his best friend. It describes what he feels rather well, and the man specifies he has no sexual attraction to his friend, but still wants to spend as much time with him as possible, and is sad when they're apart.

There's no real helpful response, though, mostly people saying he's in denial, so Cas closes out.

The next link he clicks is about an upset woman's loss of interest in sex after giving birth, which doesn't help him very much, but he still checks to see that someone made that woman feel better, and clicks out once he sees someone did.

The third is more helpful. A girl is confused about her lack of desire to have sex, and states she's not asexual because she does have a sex drive. Castiel's never heard the term asexual used outside of biology, so he opens a new tab to look it up.

He reads the Wikipedia article in a daze. 

It takes him a while to react. He sits, Dean's music playing softly in the background. It's good, that there's a word for what he feels, what he is. It's a relief.

If only it didn't mean that he might actually be in love with Dean Winchester.

 

* * *

 

The next few days are a blur. Cas goes through the motions, goes to class and eats lunch and does his best to pipe up with his usual commentary on his friends' chosen conversational topics. It's hard, though, because it feels like everything is clouded behind a shroud. At the back of his head is the fact that he's different, which he'd known, he'd never really fit in, but this  _sets him apart_  in a wholly different level.

This means he's likely going to spend the rest of his life alone, never knowing what sharing your life with a loved one is like, never learning the intimacy that comes with a long lasting relationship. Which he could stand, he thinks, but it also means that he will never, ever, deserve Dean. He can love him from afar, never saying a word, maybe. Castiel pictures himself encouraging him to date a girl, to propose, congratulating him on her pregnancy, and being happy for him.

He can do this.

It's late one night and Castiel has just finished his homework. He's about to turn in, changing into his sleep clothes, when his phone vibrates. He picks it up as he heads to his bed, crawling under the sheets.

It's a text, from Dean.

_hey, u ok? uve been weird lately_

Castiel's thumb strokes at his screen. He should have known it wasn't possible for him to hide anything from Dean. Still, he doesn't want him to worry, not when he has his whole life to worry about like they all do at 17 with the future resting on their shoulders.

_i'm fine. I just finished my chem homework._

Cas moves to lie on his side, bringing his knees up a little and cradling his phone in his hands. They haven't done this in a while, but they used to text each other until one or the other fell asleep. His phone buzzes in his hands, and Cas squints at the brightness of his screen.

_ughhh don't talk to me about chem lol._

It's followed by another before Cas can reply:

_if something was up youd tell me right?_

He would. In a heartbeat. But saying so means saying  _nothing is up_ , which isn't true, and lying to Dean makes him feel kinda sick.

Cas drops his phone and rolls over, and lets the text go unanswered.

 

* * *

 

Dean doesn't wait to confront him, and in fact grabs him on his way out of the locker room after class the next day.

"Cas, wait up!"

The last thing Castiel wants to do is wait, but Dean's hand is wrapped around his wrist as he tugs him back in. Cas lets him, not without a scowl.

"What is up with you lately? Jesus," Dean says under his breath, and it's not until Cas lets his eyes fall to Dean's hand on his wrist that he lets it go.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Dean," Cas says, and Dean frowns. He's visibly upset, maybe even angry, and Cas takes a step back. "I need to go home."

They both know that's a lie; Castiel's high school years have been a flurry of excuses to spend as little time at home as possible, and it's in fact one of the reasons they grew so close. Dean had always offered for Cas to come over, and he'd seldom refused him.

"You've been all distant and crap for like...a little while now, dude, if you hadn't noticed," Dean says, and Cas knows, okay, he tried not to let it happen but how could he not when he knew what he felt would only hurt them both? He could love Dean freely, and he was glad to, but people already ran rumours about them often enough for him to feel like he might, one day, get in Dean's way of finding happiness with someone else.

Someone who wasn't wired wrong like he was.

"Dean, you wouldn't understand," he says, which hurts because maybe he wouldn't, but he'd try. Or so Castiel likes to think, but he's too afraid to find out. He's a coward, and he watches as Dean's eyes grow cold, telling him the same thing.

"Obviously, when you don't tell me shit I can't understand shit," he says, and Cas looks away, his fingers wrapped around the strap of his bag so tightly his knuckles are turning white. "C'mon, Cas. After everything we've been through, you can't trust me with this?"

Castiel can't answer that, because he does trust Dean, when before him he'd never even known what trusting someone meant. He can't answer that because saying  _no_  would break Dean's heart and be a blatant lie, and saying  _yes_  would make Dean keep pushing.

He keeps quiet, and after a few seconds Dean's shoulders tense and he lets out a rough breath through his nose.

"Alright. Whatever. Sulk in your fucking corner for all I care," he says, bumping his shoulder against Cas' as he walks past him. Cas turns to watch him go, watches him shove his pockets in his hands. They come out with his phone, and Castiel has enough time to hear the words Dean says into it before he turns the corner:

"Hey, Lisa?"

 

* * *

 

They don't talk for a week. Castiel doesn't think they've spent more than 24 hours without exchanging any words since the day they met, and he's miserable about it. Dean has become such a part of his life, of his day, that at times he's aimless and at loss. Dean's absence is palpable, leaves gaping holes in Castiel's routine, and leaves him with way too much time on his hands.

Avoiding Dean had never been Castiel's intention. Before the fight he had done his best to act like he always had, but the truth was that he feels like he no longer belongs. He isn't  _like_  them, he's something else, something no one talks about or encourages or openly supports. A part of him feels that if his parents ever learn about this, they'll send him to therapy, or some kind of camp that fixes teenagers.

He watches a documentary on asexuality, during that week after Dean stops talking to him. It's good, it shows him the spectrum is wide and fluctuates. It also, however, shows that even within the LGBTQ community, asexuality is new and unheard of, and sometimes not welcome. It makes him feel isolated.

He also feels very alone, because his friends were Dean's friends first, and they're probably all mad at him for upsetting him. He tries not to think of Dean spending his newfound time with Lisa.

He's rummaging in his locker, gathering his stuff for the next period when Charlie bounds up to him.

"Dude!" She calls, and Cas blinks at her. Charlie doesn't seek him out very often, despite being Dean's second -- well, only, now -- best friend. Castiel likes her, though, and wishes they had spent more time together. She's smart and clever and passionate. She also fixed his computer, once, when Dean used it to play online games and it had been returned to him riddled with spyware.

"Can I help you?" He says, and she frowns at him.

"Are you talking to me like we're strangers 'cause then I kind of take offense to that."

"What do you want?" Cas asks, slamming the door of his locker shut. 

"Man, you have been even more of a dick than usual lately," she says, and Cas shrugs, raising an eyebrow, saying  _is that everything?_  "Look, Dean's kinda, uh. I mean, he's not really doing so well without you," she stammers out, and Cas wants to go.  _Now_.

"Ah," he says instead.

"I just...thought you should know. You're important to him."

"Are you trying to guilt me into making up with him?" Cas asks, clutching his books tightly to his chest.

"No! It's just super lame that you guys are fighting when you obviously care about each other especially during our last year in high school! Even Benny is like wow, when's this gonna end, totally fretting over it," Charlie rambles, and Cas swallows and does feel guilty, does feel like he could be handling this better. He shouldn't be so afraid.

"I'm sorry, Charlie," he says, and she deflates instantly.

"Does that mean you're not gonna try to fix it?"

"I don't know," Cas says, and he doesn't, not really. All he knows is that he misses Dean, terribly, awfully, like an actual hole in his chest, and that whenever they cross each other in the hall Dean forgets he's supposed to be mad and always smiles before remembering.

"You miss him, don't you?" She says, and her eyes are searching, hoping this isn't a final thing, like she knows she'll have to pick up the pieces if Cas really is done.

Castiel swallows, and then can do nothing but nod.

"Cas, look. Just do your best, okay? Everyone can see this is kind throwing you both off, and the entire group's struggling without you there to balance out Dean's dork levels. It's like the Breakfast Club minus one, doesn't work," she says, and she smiles at him, one of those soft, affectionate smiles you keep for the ones you cherish. Cas had always assumed Dean's friends put up with him because Dean liked him, but maybe he's wrong.

"Okay," he says, and she pats his shoulder, despite being a head shorter than he is.

"Good. That's what I like to hear."

She turns and leaves then, and Castiel feels like he should, at the very least, tell Dean he did nothing wrong.

It's a start.

 

* * *

 

It's Friday night, which means Castiel is helping Sam with his homework. Or  _not_  helping, since it turns out Sam does not actually need his help. Dean had asked Castiel to tutor his little brother as an excuse for Castiel to be at their place rather than with his own family. Neither Sam nor Cas had put an end to their weekly study sessions, as they'd grown to become friends.

Sometimes they fall into deep conversations about mythology, history and language, while at other times they share musical discoveries or complain about Dean to each other. 

Dean, conveniently, is not home. Castiel hasn't asked about him, although he knows they need to talk, and soon.

"How is Jess?" Cas asks once Sam returns from the kitchen with two sodas, holding one out for him. 

"Uh," Sam says, his face flushing, and Cas smiles, because that can only be a good sign. "Good! Good good. Yeah," Sam says, and then shrugs before giving Cas a slow grin.

"I'm glad," Castiel says, and he means it, because Sam Winchester is a kind soul, just as Dean is, and they both deserves happiness.

The thought sours quickly in his mind, his brain supplying  _that won't be with you_  before he can shut it up. He clears his throat, drinking to excuse his tense silence.

"Hey, Cas. Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Sam."

"Did you and Dean fight? He stopped talking about you all the time and he won't tell me if anything happened."

Cas clenches his jaw, remembers earlier, his attempts to find the right words to text Dean, and his complete failure to come up with anything.

"Sort of," Cas supplies, and Sam raises his eyebrows.

"How do you sort of fight?"

"It's complicated, Sam," Cas says, suddenly interested in the text book lying uselessly in his lap. He wishes he could tell Sam that it's not really his brother, that it's Cas, he's the problem, he's the broken one, and if only he could handle the confirmation that he's so different better maybe things would have gone more smoothly.

With the discovery of asexuality also came the confirmation of his feelings for Dean, though, and that was a lot to take in at once.

"I've got time," Sam says, sitting back in his chair, and Cas should not talk about this with Dean's  _brother_ , of all people. As much as he enjoys Sam's company, he's younger, is only just starting to discover love and romance and girls.

"Sam," Cas warns. Sam just stretches his arms and then links them at the back of his head, putting his feet up on the bed.

"Go on, Cas, before I go in great detail about how much Dean's been moping without you around and embarrass both of you."

"It's not...actually about your brother," Cas sighs.

Sam looks at him, and waits for more. Cas takes a deep breath, and then he talks.

 

* * *

 

"Cas, you know that doesn't change anything, right? No one's going to think less of you," Sam says, an hour and a half later. They're still talking, and Cas is thankful that Jess is involved in the LGBTQA+ group and has been dragging Sam to the meets every so often.

"That's not true. A lot of people think we're just broken," he says, his mind filled with the comments and reactions he's seen on the forums he's been frequenting.

"Those people aren't the kind of people you want in your life. I'm pretty sure Dean and all of your friends will get it, I mean...they might ask questions and be confused but they'll listen, and they'll love you anyways," Sam says, and Cas blinks at him because he's not sure how someone that's barely 14 can already be so kind and good.

Maybe it's a Winchester thing. Their mother, after all, is one of the kindest people Castiel has ever met.

"Sammy!" Dean calls, and Sam stands and pats Castiel's arm.

"You gonna talk to him?" He asks, and Cas looks up (he's already taller than him), nodding.

"You'll be okay," he says, and Cas desperately wants to believe that. Sam squeezes his arm, and then leaves the room.

"Here, Dean!" He calls, and Castiel hears Dean come up the stairs, and then Sam is saying something to him under his breath, and he hears Dean say  _Cas?_  and then he's in front of him, expression a mix of anger and confusion.

"Hello, Dean," Cas says, standing from his spot on the bed. Dean doesn't say anything, just watches him, and Cas eyes the door and thinks no, he can't do this, and he grabs his bag to go.

"Wait, Cas," Dean says, and he stops, and then Dean clears his throat. "I wanted to talk to you, so. S'kinda a good thing you're here."

There's a creak down the hall, and then footsteps going down the stairs. Dean shoots the door a look and then closes it, and Castiel's stomach churns. He keeps his mind blank, as best as he can, tries not to think about what Dean might want to talk to him about, or if he's going to manage telling him or not.

Of course, he's not going to tell him he has feelings for him, had not even mentioned that to Sam. That's  _his_ , and he'll carry it with him, and that he can manage. Once Cas tells Dean about asexuality then he can go back to watching him when he's talking about cars with Benny, watch the way his eyes light up when he's talking about things he loves.

If Dean still wants him around, that is.

Dean is awkward, momentarily spinning on himself before seeming to decide he wants to sit on the edge of the bed. He looks at Cas, expectant, and Cas blinks down at him. Then Dean rolls his eyes and jerks his head to the side, where there's room on the bed. Cas looks away, then back to Dean, and then sighs and sits down next to him.

"So, uh," Dean begins, and Cas sits, his back straight, and stares at the wall. "How was your day? Or, um, week, since we haven't really spoken since. Then." 

This is already more awkward than any conversation he's ever had with Dean. It's only about to get worse, so Castiel gets right to the point.

"Are you still mad at me?" He asks, pinning Dean under his gaze, wanting to read every shift of his expression, wanting also to memorize the splatter of his freckles before Dean turns him away and they go back to not talking to each other.

"Sort of. I mean, I don't think I am for real, like, if you told me what was happening I think I'd get it, but you haven't, so I'm just mad because you're being stubborn and doing that thing you do where you think you gotta shoulder every bad thing by yourself," Dean says, and Cas is almost angry that what he sees most clearly on Dean's face is  _concern_. He's mad, but it's out of worry, it's out of Dean wanting to help and out of him  _caring_.

Castiel feels like the shittiest friend in the world. 

Dean is right. Castiel has a habit of shouldering everything on his own. It's a hard habit to break, after his family (pretending things don't exist makes them go away), after years of feeling alone despite their huge house and his numerous siblings. It's hard for him to see this as anything but him burdening others with his worries, and he doesn't want to do that, doesn't want to drag his friends down.

"Dean, I'm...I'm sorry. For what it's worth," he starts, letting out a soft exhale. "I do trust you."

Castiel doesn't think he's ever told him that before, just assumed it was a fact, and he's starting to realize there are a lot of things he never said because he assumed Dean knew.

They look at each other for a moment, and then Dean cracks a smile and Cas has to duck his head to hide his own.

"So you're gonna tell me what's been eating at you?" Dean asks, and Castiel takes a deep breath before nodding.

"Yes. I hope that once I'm done you won't see me any differently, that it won't...change anything," Castiel says, because that's the root of his worry, isn't it? That Dean might suddenly look at him differently, change the way he acts around him. He has no reason to, not really, because Cas isn't different, but what if?

To his surprise, Dean laughs, shaking his head.

"Cas, buddy, you're underestimating how much I like you," he says, and oh, oh.

Castiel's heart stops.

"What?" He says, and he watches Dean's eyes widen slightly and his face redden and it's cute how even the tips of his ears are reddening. Castiel's heart starts beating again, swells, filling his chest with warmth, as Dean flounders.

"Uh, you know. You're my best friend, and I think I was always missing something until you came around, and this is really sappy but man I really don't know what I'd do without you, it's kinda -- Ah, fuck it."

Castiel barely has time to register what Dean is saying before his face his grabbed and Dean kisses him. His lips are off by a little, partly kissing the spot right above them, and Cas can't think, can't breathe, can't hear anything but his own heartbeat. His entire body suddenly feels numb, the only part that matters the warm press of Dean's lips, his hands cupping his face. He's warm, too warm, and when Dean shifts so he's kissing him properly this time and their lips fir together just right, Cas lets out a sound that's almost a whimper.

His eyes are shut tight and stay that way even when he feels Dean pull away. His hands are still cradling his face, and Cas feels his breath against his face. He doesn't want to open his eyes, doesn't want to face this, because he wants it so badly but knows Dean won't. Not for much longer.

"Dean," he says, and the hands fall away.

"Sorry. Um. Forget that happened," Dean says, and Cas finally does open his eyes to Dean's panicked face. 

"Dean, I'm sorry, I can't -- " 

The instant way Dean clams up makes Castiel's heart hurt. He shuts off, completely, his expression hard and closed and no, no, no, he never wanted to hurt him, and Dean likes him and he'll have to break his heart even when he feels the same way, and Cas doesn't even know what to say or do, and his throat feels tight as Dean stands up.

"It's fine. I shouldn't have," he says, and Cas wants to yell at him that no, he should have, he can, he wants him to. It's useless, though, so he swallows and stares at his shoes.

"What about Lisa?" Cas asks, even if it hurts, even if he doesn't want to hear the answer. Dean had been talking about asking her to prom, and Cas remembers him calling her right after their fight.

"When I asked her out for prom she said she thought I was going with you," Dean says, and Cas looks up sharply. "I thought that was weird, but then she started asking me about it and I thought about it and I was like, yeah, I kinda would like to go with Cas, and then she just...talked me through some stuff, I guess."

Dean isn't looking at him. He runs a hand over his face.

"I called her whenever I didn't really know what to do about how much I liked you," Dean confesses, and Cas swallows because he had gotten things so, so wrong. "I didn't even know I was that into guys, you know. I guess I am, but you're the only one I've ever -- "

"I think I'm asexual," Cas blurts out.

Dean blinks. Frowns.

"What?"

"I'm asexual, Dean." He reaches, grabs for Dean's sleeve, holds on. Tethers himself. "It means -- I don't feel sexual attraction," he says, and the words are easier now that he's started saying them, and they feel like a weight lifted off his shoulders, a poison cleared from his lungs.

Dean is still frowning, which makes a whole new pile of crap weight on Castiel's shoulders.

"But...do you like me?" Dean asks, and Castiel hadn't planned on telling him, but Dean is asking and Dean likes him and Cas loves him more than anything he's ever felt in his life.

Lying about it is not an option.

"Yes," he says, and his chest constricts and everything's too small. "I like you. A lot."

Dean takes a deep breath, then and nods, like he's made a decision.

"Then I don't care," he says. Just like that, without even really thinking about it.

"Dean," Cas starts, but what can he say to that, what can he say when it's the opposite of what he'd been steeling himself for? He blinks and Dean kneels at his feet, taking his face in his hands again. He's smiling, just a little, and his eyes are soft and Cas wants to count the freckles on his face.

"Cas, I like you. More than pie and cars and classic rock. More than sex," he says, and Cas isn't a big cryer, but he feels his eyes burn and his throat hurts and he can't remember the last time he cried but Dean is single handedly destroying his conviction that he would be alone for the rest of his life. "I'm just glad you're not kicking me away, honestly," he says, and Cas shakes his head.

"I couldn't," he says, and he lets out a breath as he presses his forehead to Dean's, brings his hand to clutch at his wrist. Cas doesn't think there's anything about Dean that would make him want to, and maybe that goes both ways, maybe it always did, and maybe he's only seeing it now.

"I'd rather have you. Okay?" Dean says, soft, whispered between them.

Cas sniffs, smiles, laughs under his breath.

"Okay."

"Can I...Cas, can I kiss you again? Is that okay?" Dean asks, and he looks hesitant, but then Cas says:

"Yes. Please."

And Dean doesn't hesitate for a second.

This time he doesn't miss, and they kiss for a long time. Afterwards they talk, about each other, to each other, as they lie curled up together on Dean's bed, until they start dozing off. Dean mumbles a sleepy  _stay_ against his shoulder, and Castiel falls asleep with the certainty that things will be more than fine, and that this isn't the end of his life, but only the beginning.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been meaning to write something like this for a while, and I thought Asexuality Awareness Week was the best reason to push myself to! 
> 
> For anyone with questions or in search of information I suggest visiting these links:
> 
>  
> 
> [AVEN](http://asexuality.org)  
> [AVEN Wiki](http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Main_Page)  
> [Asexual Education](http://asexualeducation.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> The documentary Castiel watches is called [(A)sexual](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1811293/). Worth a watch!


End file.
